i filled my college’s form for financial aid & cried

i struck my father’s name off my college profile; 
& i don’t think this is what graeber was talking about in his paper about the intersection of bureaucracy & violence 
but i long to smoke this discourse away instead of crying
i will have a bonfire & pretend my father is not dead of course he is not dead we have ordered pizza for dinner & any second now mum will ask us to stop giggling in the corner & eat 
my heart alive will this hurt less if i feast upon everything that remembers him? i’m trying to stop referring to my dad in the second person because 
i’m afraid people will notice me talking to a ghost & DM me a self-help instagram page with pretty flowers purple skies 
pills & that would be terrible because people are nice & i tend to hug too hard & leave behind the imprint of my ring in uncomfortable places 
i just wish i could forget his phone number press command+del
[command+z command+z command+z] anyways
i think i should finish filling this form