i pray to a god that does not exist

every almond is bitter. i swallow
hunger because it’s easier than opening my mouth and asking. i 
refuse to be seen today. let me sleep. let me
not be a girl who’s too scared of leaving college and not knowing
who she is. i want entire days
of nights. mornings when the sun doesn’t rise and no one sees me.
do not look at me. turn away.
the night is quiet. everything’s quiet i see 
ghosts in every corner of my home. i want
to feel haunted. my hands are empty and i 
would rather cut myself on your corners than
feel empty anymore. come home. 

i wade into the quiet of the stream. 
in my parents’ room, there are no pictures
of my dad. i quietly close the door hoping 
it would shatter the quiet. my mother
turns on the t.v. every night and i see
reflections dance on her skin. 
i keep seeing reflections dance on her skin.
my friends call and i swallow their laughter 
on an empty stomach. i feel hollow 
and full. my hands curl around thin air.

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